in response to your tots....

the thing abt being a senior is that you play so much you forget that you are still a senior, not a graduate. you start skipping classes becuz u come home late and dead tired every night. your midterm grades start snowboarding down the rainshadow, threatening the fragile honors that ebbs behind a big red F-king administrative mistake. you watch as nicks turn from "last week of classes!" to "one more day...", "last finals" to "time to play!!!!!". you check your calendar, wondering when you can get home before midnight, drunk and sexed instead of ligated and transformed. you hear abt sungod and dont remember seeing drunk undergraduates running around naked, and then realize that you shld stop running ard the PCR machine and run into that soap foam fountain at price center instead. well, undergrad life is about playing, enjoying life... im not so sure abt the going thru girls like snap part. i wish the old man had bought me that jose cuervo earlier though: i could have had babes dropping like flies sooner.

i miss the freedom of time. of huddling in bed with a gd book, floating in the ocean staring at the sky, discussing intensely abt smoothness with old men and women. i miss the nightwalks along lj shores, grapevining abt everyone, life and stars. i miss the cloning that always works. i miss having lots of close frens around me, always someone i can talk to. i miss the 2 hr "family" dinners at 9705#C1, complaining abt the same few issues abt the same few pple. i miss watching entire dorama series in a weekend. i miss driving alone, listening to a blaring radio. i miss being the insightful thinker, with blog entries that rhythm and trace, the frank emotions that leaks thru my fingers that hangs for all to see.

i hate being the nice guy who is always sacrificed: i hate watching movies from the front rows. i hate making conversation with pple i couldnt care less abt. i hate being on death row. i hate harboring high hopes thats not fulfilled. i hate feeling lonely. i hate having stupid awkward pple ard me. i hate putting others before myself when im prioritized behind others (rare occasion is not an excuse). i hate myself for being a shy and stupid person. i hate myself for having short memories. i hate having nothing happening to do when all is ready to go crazy. i hate igoogle for so few updates when i have so much time to read abt all the significant nothings in the world.

i want to have random english/american girls sing to me, cook for me, give me massages and pamper me in a surreal lodge-style log cabin surrounded by creeks and snow capped mountains. i want to have witty conversations with witty pple who doesn't feel like they are superior or inferior to me. i want to have no doubts abt my love for my S.O. i want to be a smooth and witty man. i want to have a fantastic poster.

im still inspired by the stupid F-grade essay i wrote for CAT. i heard its in the latest class reader to be criticized by TAs for being typically pessimistic. im wondering if i shld post it along with my grad sch applications. im waiting for GRE Biochemistry results, due out this week or next. im afraid of being told that 5% of all students are more brilliant than me. im saying this even though i know that 15% can do standardized tests better than me.

i sometimes fear that i lost the edge for writing random crap that means so much but reads like nothing. i think that if im the last person alive ill go crazy. i apologize for the minute plagiarism/inspiration involved above.

cheers, week 87 of 90. sungod iii.